Saturday, February 7, 2009

"Ok, I'm finished"

Living in my house, one thing i've learned to expect is noise. Every school day morning, i am the first one to wake up. I get up at around 7, which isnt bad, I get ready and on Tuesdays and Thursdays i leave at about 7:50. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays i take my brother and sister to school meaning i have to leave around 7:20-7:30 meaning i have to wake up even earlier at 6:30 and wake my siblings up. Now you can ask my mom, i never complain about waking up during the week. Im fine with it every day but on the weekends i like to sleep in as late as i can. Rarely does this actually happen... those wonderful siblings that i chauffeur to school three days a week simply dont understand the term "Inside Voices." I will be sleeping in my wonderful, comfortable, fantstic bed on a saturday morning-the one day a week that i have a possibility of sleeping in- it will be 8 or 8:30 and i will hear the unmistakable shriek of my sister (if it can be called a shriek), sounding like she is standing right next to me. She is actually in the living room downstairs.

If you have ever met my sister, you probably know the noise i am referring to. If not, consider yourself lucky. It is not a scream, no. It is not a shout (I wish). It is not a mere yell of an 8 year old girl (that would be normal), no. It is the sound of an unnatural being beaing magnified through the lungs of a small girl named Riley. Imagine the shriek of a banshee and multiply it by ten. Imagine that banshee being tortured and for some sick reason it is shrieking and laughing at the same time. That is the noise my sister makes on saturday morning.

Along with this noise that could wake the dead, you have the rolling of the ottoman on the wood floor as Quinn and Riley jump off and onto it. You have the THUDS of my brother jumping off furniture onto the hardwood floor (he is huge for his age, he's ten and he is the size of an 8th grader, he comes up to my eyes and he can carry me), His laughing which shakes the house because his voice is so deep, the unnatural volume of the TV which has been turned all the way up, and did i mention my sister's death-noise?

So, instead of waking up at the preferred time of 11 or so, i will be forced to awaken at 8 or 8:30 because no normal human being can sleep after hearing that piercing noise that can be called my sister's scream (which is of course continuing because once she starts, she never seems to stop). After laying there feeling pissed off, wallowing in self pity, playing a few miniaure violins, and sobbing to the rhythm of my least favorite wake-up call, i will drag myself out of bed and into the hallway where i notice that my parents door is still closed...meaning they are still sleeping.

Like i said, no NORMAL human can sleep through that sound. This proves my theory that i was born into a family of weird people. But then i think about it and the fact that they are sleeping makes sense because if you have ever tried watching TV at my house, that is also impossible.

I dont watch too too much TV. i have 3 shows i follow: House, The Office, and Lost. which are all on different nights and after i watch those shows, im done with the TV. (it is true that if there is a snow day...or crazy ice storm... or a freak wind storm for that matter...i have been known to sit around like a vegetable watching back to back to back to back Desperate Housewives but i have watched them all by now so thats no longer relevant and im talking about a regular week.) I will have finished my homework and i come downstairs to watch a show. On the way there, i will pass my brother in his room playing war-games or reading about world war 2 or assembling a homemade bomb. I will pass my sister in her room dancing to the hairspray soundtrack or singing songs from wicked or being dramatic about something else. I will pass my mom on the computer in the hallway where she is going through every single email in her inbox (even the spam) or typing an email, or on-dare i say it-facebook...yes, facebook... dear lord...

Passing mom, i will say something like "hey mom" or ask her a question about something. She never responds when she is on the computer-never. Honestly, i dont know why i bother. So i walk downstairs and sit down on the couch and start my show. Within 5 minutes, my mom is out of computer mode and in the kitchen (still not having said anything regarding my 'hey' or my question) i hear her do the laundry and then, here it comes, the sink turns on. So now, having the TV at a reasonable volume, it is hard to hear, so i turn it up. Another few minutes goes by and the sink is turned off, and the volume is turned down. Then BAM the dust buster comes on! There's no hearing over that so i pause the show and wait a few minutes for it to go off. Once it's off, i press play. 30 seconds later i will hear a question being thrown in my direction, so i pause the tv again.

You have to understand, this is not just any question. This is without fail, one of THOSE questions. By this i mean a question that my mother expects to be answered but it is in no way relevant or am i able to answer it.
"Whose milk is this?"
"I dont know."
(i dont know why she would expect me to know...i AM 16 and i 1. dont like plain milk-which is a fact she knows-and 2.dont leave a half-drank kiddie cups of milk on the counter)
"Who left the honey out?"
"I'm guessing quinn"
(since he is the only one in the house who actually uses the honey- eating a peanut butter and honey sandwich practically every day)
"Where is my bread pan?"
"i dont know mom, where'd you put it?"
(since she is the only one who uses them. i dont know why this question is directed at me)
this time i dont play right away, i wait a few minutes, anticipating another question. When none come flying my way, i go on with the TV.
"where is the girlscout meeting on tuesday next week?"
"i have no idea mom, any more questions?"
"no im done"
i look over to see my mom getting ice out of the ice maker which is broken and only produces crushed ice.
my mom starts laughing and for some reason her facial expression looks like a 3 year old's that just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
she then walks upstairs and i can watch my show in peace...until the siblings come downstairs...but i wont get into that right now.

Just last night, i had Zach over to watch the happening. We went to mcdonalds to use the redbox thing and to kroger to get oranges and crushed pineapple for my mom. Overall, it was a champion endeavor.

We return home and my mom is cuddled up on the couch in a blanket, eating split-pea soup (?), and we hear ABBA music eminating from the TV. I look over and it is not the MOVIE Mama Mia, but the SING-A-LONG. I wasn't sure how to respond to this, as i walked over to the DVD player to switch the movies and my mom shouts "NO WAIT!" because she wants to (may i emphasize just SIT there) and watch the rest of the SING-A-LONG. So once the sing-a-long ended, she let us have the TV room and she went into the kitchen. We started the movie but no more than 5 minutes into it, we hear BANG BANG BANG BANG.
i look over and she is banging nuts on the counter to crush them for making bread.
"im almost done, sorry!"
BANG BANG BANG BANG for about 3 more minutes, then it stops
about 3 more minutes after that pass
"sorry, almost done!"
"Ok, I'm Finished!"
"mom i thought you were finished!"
"i am!"
"okay, im finished!"
"ok mom were waiting till youre really finished!"
"i am finished!"
"no, until you are REALLY finished"
so zach and i walk into the kitchen and he shows me christian bale's massive freak out on youtube.

I'm sure it was quite a sight, Zach and me sitting at the kitchen table on the laptop, my mom sporadically whirring, and obscenities bellowing out of the laptop while all three of us are just laughing at it.

but my mom finally did stop whirring and we finally did get to actually watch the movie.

The movie sucked, but that is beside the point.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Drive Me Crazy...

So being 16 and all, having my permit and yearning to get out on my own, ive been driving quite a lot lately.

Ive had my permit for about a month and im a pretty good driver. My first day having my permit, my dad threw me onto the interstate and all through downtown, so the highway is no big deal for me anymore.

Ive driven with a lot of different people in a lot of different situations. My dad, my grandma, my mom, my grandpa, and other various family members. Most of them are very calm with me behind the wheel and say that they forget that im 'still learning and that they should pay attention.' All of them with the exception of my mother...

A thing about my mom is that she had some sort of mental condition where she can't match objects with their correct names.

For example, we were on our way to the pool one day a few years ago, and as usual, we were in a hurry because we were running late...(another thing to note about my mom is that she is in denial that she runs late no matter how early she wakes everyone up, how early she leaves the house, or how fast she sets the clocks. This one isnt her fault though, its genetic...)

I had just gotten into the car, with my seatbelt just fastened, ready to go swimming when my mom gets in the car. She tells me to grab the fork. [first of all, i have my seatbelt on, i dont know why she would ask ME to grab it when she is 1)unfastened, and 2) closer to the house...]
I look at her and say "what?"
and here is how the conversation went down...
"Cassidy grab the fork" mom starts the car
"the FORK"
"What fork? why do we need a fork?"
[mom also talks slower when you have no clue what she is talking about, thinking that her slow enunciation will somehow flicker a lightbulb of kelly language on in your head. Yes, this does make one feel slightly retarted]

"What FORK mom?"

By this time, she has gotten so impatient with me, she is yelling that i know exactly what she means by this 'fork' of mystery...

I am sitting there wide-eyed holding my hands up and shaking my head that i honestly have no idea. Im not sure why she would think that i was pretending to not know what this 'fork' was because, if you have ever seen my mom angry, its a rather terrifying experience. But thats a different subject altogether...

My mom finally lets out a huge exasperated sigh and throws open her car door in a fit of frustration. steps two feet in front of the car and grabs a pool noodle

She, still frustrated that i didnt make the connection that fork=pool noodle, throws the foodle in the back of the car and yells "THE FOOOOOORRRRRKKKKKKKK"
My mom will argue that forks and noodles go together, because you eat REAL noodles with a FORK. but no, mom, that just doesnt work.

Things like that happen all the time. My personal opinion is that my mom should come with a kellictionary because nobody knows what she is talking about half the time.

but anyway, back to my main point. Anybody who drives knows that there are two main pedals in an automatic car: the BRAKE [controlling the stop function or the slow-down function] and the ACCELERATOR [or GAS PEDAL, controlling the GO or GO FASTER functions] pretty easy, right?

we were at a fourth of july party this past weekend and i had to leave early to go to work. My mom and i got in the car, me driving and my mom sitting in the passenger seat. The ground was wet because it had been raining and we were parked on a hill. My mom didnt want us to get stuck so she told me that i was going to have to go FAST to get out, and she was going to tell me exactly what to do...

so i throw it in reverse and press the gas lightly, my mom yells 'GO!!! GO!!! GO!!!'
the elevation and urgency in her voice sent an automatic reaction, pairing with her words, to press the gas harder. So i did, we are rolling up the hill at a high velocity and my mom is getting louder and louder yelling at me to 'GO GO!!!' so i GO!! We finally get onto the gravel and mom screams "STOP!" we look at the ground, seeing two nice, brown, muddy tracks in our friend's yard. and my mom asks me "whyd you go so fast? i wanted you to slow down!"

i told her that 1) she tole me we were going to have to go FAST and 2) generally yelling the word GO means GO FASTER
she said "well thats not what i meant! i meant slow down!"

nuff said

part deux:
On the way to my swim meet on monday [oh joy...] we were running late, AGAIN. My dad was out and my mom was taking us. I was driving.

Going down the road, i was going 35, which was the speed limit, while my mom was on the phone with her friend. She's telling me to go faster so i go up to 40 but refused her pleas to speed up any more than that. We are approaching the expressway and my mom hangs up her phone. I get to be about halfway down the turning lane, a good distance behind a red car in front of us. The light turns yellow, and i am still a ways behind the white line. Normally in this situation i would have stopped [which is the SAFE thing to do] HOWEVER, i am driving with my mom. She sees the yellow light, her sworn enemy, and something clicks in her brain. She starts yelling at me to "GO GO GO!!!"
i say 'yellow light'

i sware her eyes are red at this point, and i cant handle a red eyed, screaming, late mother.
So i punch the accelerator, speeding up, starting to turn as i see the light turn red. I start yelling "OH MY GOD!!" and my moms just repeating "ON HIS ASS, ON HIS ASS!!!"
I turn and all the junk in my moms car shifts. My mom grabs the oh shit handlebars and as i get on the red car's ASS and safely onto the ramp, she has the nerve to say "you are a CRAZY driver!"

and that is when i informed her that i REFUSE to drive with her any more...

"Never, ever underestimate the power of 'Id Like that"
-John Mayer

Saturday, June 28, 2008

She's Back

Okay so I'm back to blogging again :]

The old one was trash so its all gone. Time to start over.

The week's been a long one, everyone was out of town :[
I'm glad it's over and most of everyone is coming back now :]

It's summer, thank god, which means that im an active member of the wolf creek swim team...joyness. that entails waking up early every morning during the week and swimming for an hour and fifteen minutes. yay, its good for me but im not so into the whole underwater-not-being-able-to-breathe-whenever-you-want-to thing. it also means swim meets every monday starting at 5 and ending at 1030 ish, where you go, swim, get out, and right when you get dry and comfortable, you have to get back in the pool and sweim for less than a minute again.

let's look at what happens when you get bored at a swim meet...

So last night my mom had a sleepover with one of her friends
[yeah thats not weird at all...]
she compared it to me having a sleepover with one of my friends
yes mom, the only difference being IM 16 and YOU are almost 40. (or 27 as she likes to tell people.....)
She's the reason I decided to take this all back up, too. She notified me that she was blogually active last night and I almost peed myself.
She can't even touch a computer without causing it to 1) delete all the music and pictures, 2) completely crash 3)just turn off or 4) do something that even the geek squad can't fix. So i can't imagine her typing more than a few words, let alone BLOGGING anything. I'm just waiting for the day when i visit the mother's page and it says something along the lines of "We're sorry, the website you requested has been shut down due to unknown causes"

yeah. so my mom has a blog, has sleepovers, wears bikinis, and crashes computers.......

My sister had one of her friends over too. I felt like the mom actually. I worked till around 9:30 and came home, I made the dinner for both of the sets of children, I set up my sister and her friend's movie and catered to their needs, and I went to bed earlier than either of the pairs.
Lets just say Im not having kids for a long time.

On another note, my dad and brother have been out since yesterday on a camping trip thing.
i hate camping
and fish

So I've listened to Viva La Vida 5892549875 times this week since ive had nothing to do. and the favorites are:
Lovers in Japan,
Viva La Vida,
Violet hill,
Strawbery Swing

fantastic stuff.

okay byee =]

I am involved in a freedom ride protesting the loss of the minority rights belonging to the few remaining earthbound stars. All we demanded was our right to twinkle.
-Marilyn Monroe