Drive Me Crazy...

So being 16 and all, having my permit and yearning to get out on my own, ive been driving quite a lot lately.

Ive had my permit for about a month and im a pretty good driver. My first day having my permit, my dad threw me onto the interstate and all through downtown, so the highway is no big deal for me anymore.

Ive driven with a lot of different people in a lot of different situations. My dad, my grandma, my mom, my grandpa, and other various family members. Most of them are very calm with me behind the wheel and say that they forget that im 'still learning and that they should pay attention.' All of them with the exception of my mother...

A thing about my mom is that she had some sort of mental condition where she can't match objects with their correct names.

For example, we were on our way to the pool one day a few years ago, and as usual, we were in a hurry because we were running late...(another thing to note about my mom is that she is in denial that she runs late no matter how early she wakes everyone up, how early she leaves the house, or how fast she sets the clocks. This one isnt her fault though, its genetic...)

I had just gotten into the car, with my seatbelt just fastened, ready to go swimming when my mom gets in the car. She tells me to grab the fork. [first of all, i have my seatbelt on, i dont know why she would ask ME to grab it when she is 1)unfastened, and 2) closer to the house...]

I look at her and say "what?"

and here is how the conversation went down...

"Cassidy grab the fork" mom starts the car

"what?"

"the FORK"

"What fork? why do we need a fork?"

"CASSIDY, THE FFFOOOOORRRRRKKKKK"

[mom also talks slower when you have no clue what she is talking about, thinking that her slow enunciation will somehow flicker a lightbulb of kelly language on in your head. Yes, this does make one feel slightly retarted]

"What FORK mom?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!!!"

By this time, she has gotten so impatient with me, she is yelling that i know exactly what she means by this 'fork' of mystery...

I am sitting there wide-eyed holding my hands up and shaking my head that i honestly have no idea. Im not sure why she would think that i was pretending to not know what this 'fork' was because, if you have ever seen my mom angry, its a rather terrifying experience. But thats a different subject altogether...

My mom finally lets out a huge exasperated sigh and throws open her car door in a fit of frustration. steps two feet in front of the car and grabs a pool noodle

A POOL NOODLE!!

She, still frustrated that i didnt make the connection that fork=pool noodle, throws the foodle in the back of the car and yells "THE FOOOOOORRRRRKKKKKKKK"

My mom will argue that forks and noodles go together, because you eat REAL noodles with a FORK. but no, mom, that just doesnt work.

Things like that happen all the time. My personal opinion is that my mom should come with a kellictionary because nobody knows what she is talking about half the time.

but anyway, back to my main point. Anybody who drives knows that there are two main pedals in an automatic car: the BRAKE [controlling the stop function or the slow-down function] and the ACCELERATOR [or GAS PEDAL, controlling the GO or GO FASTER functions] pretty easy, right?

wrong.

we were at a fourth of july party this past weekend and i had to leave early to go to work. My mom and i got in the car, me driving and my mom sitting in the passenger seat. The ground was wet because it had been raining and we were parked on a hill. My mom didnt want us to get stuck so she told me that i was going to have to go FAST to get out, and she was going to tell me exactly what to do...

yeah...

so i throw it in reverse and press the gas lightly, my mom yells 'GO!!! GO!!! GO!!!'

the elevation and urgency in her voice sent an automatic reaction, pairing with her words, to press the gas harder. So i did, we are rolling up the hill at a high velocity and my mom is getting louder and louder yelling at me to 'GO GO!!!' so i GO!! We finally get onto the gravel and mom screams "STOP!" we look at the ground, seeing two nice, brown, muddy tracks in our friend's yard. and my mom asks me "whyd you go so fast? i wanted you to slow down!"

i told her that 1) she tole me we were going to have to go FAST and 2) generally yelling the word GO means GO FASTER

she said "well thats not what i meant! i meant slow down!"

nuff said

part deux:

On the way to my swim meet on monday [oh joy...] we were running late, AGAIN. My dad was out and my mom was taking us. I was driving.

Going down the road, i was going 35, which was the speed limit, while my mom was on the phone with her friend. She's telling me to go faster so i go up to 40 but refused her pleas to speed up any more than that. We are approaching the expressway and my mom hangs up her phone. I get to be about halfway down the turning lane, a good distance behind a red car in front of us. The light turns yellow, and i am still a ways behind the white line. Normally in this situation i would have stopped [which is the SAFE thing to do] HOWEVER, i am driving with my mom. She sees the yellow light, her sworn enemy, and something clicks in her brain. She starts yelling at me to "GO GO GO!!!"

i say 'yellow light'

she screams "GET ON HIS ASS AND GGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

i sware her eyes are red at this point, and i cant handle a red eyed, screaming, late mother.

So i punch the accelerator, speeding up, starting to turn as i see the light turn red. I start yelling "OH MY GOD!!" and my moms just repeating "ON HIS ASS, ON HIS ASS!!!"

I turn and all the junk in my moms car shifts. My mom grabs the oh shit handlebars and as i get on the red car's ASS and safely onto the ramp, she has the nerve to say "you are a CRAZY driver!"

and that is when i informed her that i REFUSE to drive with her any more...

"Never, ever underestimate the power of 'Id Like that"

-John Mayer